What Every Mother Wants

I often find funny jokes in Boys' Life Magazine.  They seem to get all the jokes.  Girls' Life Magazine is an American teen magazine similar to other magazines directed to women - advice about friends and familiars, stories on popular culture, fashion, and celebrities.  Boys' Life is the monthly magazine of the Boy Scouts of America for boys from 7 - 17. It began in 1911 and when it started was edited by 18-year-old Joe Lane.  Fast forward to today and Boys' Life is targeted towards older boys and features buying guides, video games, things to do, sports,  and still features scouting activities.  It still contains jokes in every issue.  I looked through the Boys' Life Mother's Day jokes.  And then I found this one - it is NOT in the Boys' Life Compendium of Mother's Day Jokes. Boys' Life Magazine remains a general interest and wholesome magazine - it describes its style as crisp, punchy writing in relatively short, straight-forward sentences.  So as you read this joke, it would clearly not appear in Boys' Life Magazine. Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.  The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."  The second said," I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."  The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."  Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote the first son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."  "Marvin," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"  "Dearest Melvin," she wrote to her third son, "You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was delicious." I stopped at Sunnybrook Winery on the Lakeshore in NOTL, and took this picture of the orchard on Lake Ontario. Our second picture is the Weeping Cherry tree on Niagara Street.

Gardener's Jokes

I visited Niagara-on-the-Lake yesterday to Valleybrook - they are growers of perennial plants in the blue pots.  Being the largest perennial grower in Canada, there were millions of plants - as far as one can see.  There was lots of activity moving them out to be transported to garden centres for the launch of summer gardening this weekend. They donate plants to the Grimsby Garden Club's Plant Sale each year.  They allow walk-ins on two days a week, so I can check everything out and take pictures. They give you a map to find things, and at the bottom are many rules - you can only purchase plants with silver stakes, beginning with certain numbers, and nothing at the ends of aisles, as these are plants moving out.  I was able to find something to purchase that was new this year - a miniature Clematis.  Today we celebrate gardeners with garden jokes. There are lots of garden jokes. Some topics seem to accumulate more jokes than others. Along the way I found this surprising fact: Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury. Here are the gardening jokes selected for today: Q: How excited was the gardener about spring? A: So excited he wet his plants. Q: What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener? A: A Snap Dragon. The manager of the garden centre overhears one of his nurserymen talking to a customer.  'No, we haven't had any of that in ages,' says the nurseryman. 'And I don't know when we'll be getting any more.'  The customer leaves and the manager walks over to give him a telling off. 'Never tell a customer we can't get them something,' he says. 'Whatever they want we can always get it on order and deliver it. D'you understand?'  The nurseryman nods. 'So what did he want?' asks the manager. 'Rain,' replies the nurseryman.   Michael O'Leary was waiting at the bus stop with his friend, Paddy Maguire, when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.  O'Leary opined, 'I'm gonna do that when I win de lottery, Maguire.' 'What's that, Michael?' responds his mate. 'Send me lawn away to be cut,' concludes O'Leary   For more silly gardening jokes, go to Frankie Flowers website HERE. Here's a joke for Mother's Day this Sunday: A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when suddenly a cat attacks them. The mother mouse shouts “BARK!” and the cat runs away. “See?” the mother mouse says to her baby. “Now do you see why it’s important to learn a foreign language.”

The British vs the Americans

Today I explored British vs American humour.   British: Q: Why isn't the England football team allowed to own a dog? A: Because they can't hold on to a lead. American: A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here." "You don't understand," says the man. "This is no regular dog, he can talk." "Listen, pal," says the bartender. "If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks." The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, "What's on top of a house?" "Roof!" "Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?" "Bark!" "And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" "I guess you've heard enough," says the man. "I'll take the hundred in twenties." The bartender is furious. "Listen, pal," he says, "get out of here before I belt you." As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, "Do you think I should have said 'DiMaggio'?" British: Q: Whats the difference between Cinderella and the England football team? A: Cinderella wanted to get to the ball. American: Q: Why did the coach kick Cinderella off the baseball team? A: Because she ran away from the ball. British: Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years! American: A newcomer to Seattle arrives on a rainy day. She  gets up the next day and it's raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that. She goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and, out of despair, asks, "Hey, kid, does it ever stop raining around here?" The kid says, "How should I know? I'm only 6." Today we visit the Marie Selby garden in Florida in selective colour.

All About Lawyers

There is a general sense that lawyers are less than honest.   I checked out the the lawyer jokes and  found a wealth of cynical humour. For one-liners, these two seem to sum things up: - 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. - Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, and honest lawyer, and an old drunk were walking along when they simultaneously spotted a hundred-dollar bill laying in the street. Who gets it?         The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures. Q: How many divorce lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 3 - one to argue for the rights of the old lightbulb, one to argue for the rights of the new lightbulb, and one to argue for the rights of the light socket A minister and a lawyer arrived at the pearly gates, Saint Peter greeted both of them and gave them their room assignments.         "Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, sir, the keys to our finest penthouse suite."         "This is unfair!" cried the minister.         "Listen," Saint Peter said, "ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first lawyer we've ever seen." Mark Twain notes... "It is interesting to note that criminals have multiplied of late, and lawyers have also; but I repeat myself." It is amazing how a profession can have such a long and enduring reputation.